Sweating the Small Stuff

I've been blog stalking.....again and lately. Some blogs that I've come across are handy-dandy and others cause me to want to be a better mom, wife, and friend. After I'm done reading these blogs - for hours at a time when the house is quiet and it's just me awake - I am overwhelmed with guilt. Is it the Adversary who makes us feel guilty for not doing a good enough job? Or, is it the Lord who uses guilt to help us become a better mother, wife, friend, neighbor, daughter of God, etc.? Either way, there is some serious improvement on my part that needs to happen.

Yesterday, I was having a really crappy day - pun intended, just read on. I just wanted to go and hide in my room and not come out. Or, to just go in my closet and cry 'til there were no more tears left. I was (and still am) overwhelmed with 3 kiddos who are sick, a Biology class, a much beloved dog that is turning 12 this year, whom we just spent hundreds of dollars - that we don't have - to find out that there are "shadows" on his x-rays and probably won't live out the rest of this year, an almost 3 year old girl who is potty training, not 'cause I was ready or wanted her to, but because SHE was ready and wanted to and then pooped in her pants and then figured it was okay to pee in them while she was at it. Oh yeah, she's one of the sick kiddos here at home, so you KNOW what kind of poop in her pants it was and then she proceeded to get it ALL OVER the bathroom - a really crappy day!

This was just in the first 2 hours that I was awake. I knew I should've crawled back into bed and not come out. I knew it was not going to be a fabulous day. Then, in the midst of my self-pity and self-loathing, my dear friend (who will remain anonymous, but knows who she is) asked if there was anything she could do and if I needed anything. What I really wanted, I knew I couldn't have or do - time to myself to feel sorry for me and my plight; to throw myself a pity party, even if I was the only one who attended.

I began to recall a conversation with my younger-but-ever-so-much-wiser sister. She had told me, when I felt like this before, than I needed to go serve someone. I looked around my house with toys strewn from one end to the other, dishes piled in the sink and on the counter, poop in the bathroom that now needed to be cleaned and disinfected, laundry piling up, and wondered "why isn't someone serving me!?" Then, I thought that since I had to clean one bathroom, I might as well clean ours as well, which probably needed it more than (or just as much as) the kids' bathroom. I figured I could also throw in some laundry and at the very least get that going while I was cleaning. In between transferring laundry to the different machines, I would clean. When the laundry was finished, I would fold, put away, transfer the load and start another one. But first, the bathrooms needed some serious attention. I cleaned and cleaned the kids' bathroom, disinfecting it with any and all kinds of cleaners I could find.

As I approach my bathroom, I became bound and determined to make the tub sparkle, like it had never before - literally. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed, running out of one cleaner I found another and continued to scrub. In the middle of this scrubbing, Owen and Caroline came running in and said this dear friend was at the door and knocking. I opened the door and there she was with lunch in hand, knowing of my day, serving me, caring about me, thinking....of me. Once again, inspiring me to be and do better. What she doesn't know is that I wanted to burst into tears as soon as I saw her at the door. Instead, I spared myself and, quite frankly, her and accepted lunch gratefully and thanked her, though not able to truly express the emotions of my heart.

Remarkably, I was able to finish cleaning both bathrooms, complete to a spit-shine, could-see-yourself-in-the-reflection kind of a shine clean. With everything gleaming, and 3 kids sleeping, I decided to move on to the next project - the grout in the kitchen.

I have wanted to clean it and Adam has kept saying that he's gonna clean it. I figured I had the time right then and took matters into my own hands. I got the Kaboom, toothbrush, bowl of water, and towel and proceeded to start to clean the grout. No sooner had I started and just barely begun, when the youngest chilin' began to cry and wanted attention.....NOW! I left my cleaning post and paid attention to what really matters...one of my sick babies.

I attended to his needs and got him as happy as I could under the given cirsumstances - for the time being - and returned to my cleaning duties. As I sat on the kitchen floor scrubbing away, I found myself lost in my own thoughts and wondering if Adam would even notice the grout. I bet myself he wouldn't. In fact, I was sure he wouldn't. I was only able to clean about half of the grout before I ran out of cleaner. No matter, the other sick kiddos were beginning to emerge from their slumber and make their way towards me wanting attention....NOW!

I made peace with myself for serving, or at least attempting to serve, Adam by cleaning the bathrooms and starting on the kitchen grout. I waited anxiously and was bound and determined not to say a word about the grout. When Adam came in the door with the much beloved dog that is turning 12 this year, whom we just spent hundreds of dollars on - that we don't have - the first thing he said was, "It looks different in here. You cleaned the grout?!"

I guess I'm not so insignificant around here. I guess what I do around the house does get noticed, even if nothing is mentioned. I guess I am needed after all. I guess I shouldn't be sweating the small stuff. So, why can't I remember that the most important thing is that we are an eternal family, learning to serve one another, all the while drawing inspiration from others on how to be better. THAT'S what matters.