Week 9 - A Small Prayer Sprinkled With Hope

This week was absolutely crazy! I was participating in The Savvy Sale, had a chemistry final exam, an Anatomy & Physiology exam and lab practical, was packing for our trip to California for spring break, cleaning a house, yadda, yadda, yadda.

In the midst of trying to do it all, wondering how I was going to get it all done, praying silently that I would somehow get some sort of help, hoping my pleas would be heard, my very helpful visiting teacher called and left a message on my answering machine. It went a little something like this:

Her: "Hey Janet. I know you are super busy this week and have a lot going on. I was wondering if I could bring you dinner tonight. Give me a call please."

I called her back telling her that Adam is in town this week and he is perfectly capable of making dinner for us while I run around attempting to get done what needs to be done. Her sweet reply was, "well, I know that. But, if it will help you out, then I am more than happy to bring you dinner."

Not only would it help me out, it would be one less thing for me to think about or worry about. Yes, my darling you may bring me dinner and help me. So, it was a small prayer sprinkled with a tiny bit of hope that I would, in fact, get some help. And, I did.

I certainly did....and, just in the nick of time.

It was a reaffirmation to me that my prayers, how ever small or insignificant they may seem, are not at all to our Heavenly Father who hears every prayer, plea, and hope of our heart. I am also grateful for this visiting teacher and her willingness to listen to the impressions she was receiving in order to help little 'ole me.

Week 8 - Family..It's All That Matters

We all get busy and involved in our own family's lives, events, schedules, happenings, etc. So much so that we sometimes get too busy to see family that lives just 2 miles down the road, or 12 miles from your house, or when one family member works just 3 miles up the road from your house. Yep, that's me and my family.

My eldest brother, Scott, and his family live just 2 miles from me. I tend to see Karina, Scott's wife, and their youngest child, Agnes, the most as Owen and Agnes go to the same preschool. My sister, Jenny, and her family live just 12 miles from me and she works at a hospital just 3 miles away. Yet, somehow we don't see each other....enough. Sometimes there are weeks or even months that have gone by when we haven't seen one another. We decided to put an end to that.

About 2 years ago, we decided that it wasn't too much to ask of all of us to get together for dinner once a month, like Fast Sunday. It isn't really asking too much, right?

RIGHT!

Today was my turn to host Sunday dinner. When we all were here, it made me really grateful for my family that lives so close to me and that I could see on almost a daily basis if I wanted to. I love seeing the different stages in the kids that are together when the 3 families get together. We have everything, and I mean everything, there. The oldest "kid" is 16 - almost 17 - and the youngest, well that would be Howie. There is everything in between.

One of the best things about having all of these different stages, for me, is that I have two GREAT resources that I can bounce ideas off of when it comes to things that my children are doing and how to handle them. I've learned A LOT from these two great sisters of mine, especially when it comes to raising kids. I am reminded by their examples to me that I really am doing the best that I can. And, despite how I may feel some days, I am a good mom.

I don't like being away from my family and am pretty sure I will NEVER move from here, as long as my family lives here, I'll be here. If I ever move from here, then it's gonna have to be somewhere that my family is living. After all, family....it's all that matters!

"Mom, Do Dinosaurs Have Bones?"

Since going back to school and studying anatomy and physiology, I get all kinds of questions from the kids. It can range from "Mom, what do you call this right here?" "Mom, do we have bones in our arms (legs, hands, feet, bellies, eyes, ears)?" You name it, I've been asked if we have bones/muscles in just about every part of the body possible - literally!

On our last trip to California we needed something to do to occupy the kids and since the weather was suppose to be pretty wet and rainy (and indeed it was) we needed something to do indoors and inexpensive. I found the La Brea Tar Pits, having recalled it from all those years ago when I went during elementary school, and decided it would be perfect for the kids to see and something to do. Plus, as a huge bonus, it was really inexpensive to do - kids under 5 years old -FREE! Our entire family's admission, including parking, was $20.50. Really, in California that is a steal for entertainment. We had such a great time learning about all the bones, animals, and how the bones were perfectly preserved in tar. Yep, perfectly preserved in tar! A great educational experience and cheap entertainment, who could ask for more.

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We had such a great experience at the La Brea Tar Pits. We are truly blessed to be able to see the different creatures that once roamed this created Earth. To be able to study them, their habitats, and lives gives us a glimpse into the world that existed all those years ago. How wonderful that we can go back in time, through these skeletons, and learn more of some of Heavenly Father's creations.

I highly recommend going to the La Brea Tar Pits the next chance you get if you are going to be in California. It's an interesting place and has something for everyone. The LA County Museum of Art (LACMA) is right across the grassy area and is spectacular too. It's California, there's something for everyone, no matter where you are!

Week 7 - My Everything, My Love

I must have gotten to use to having Adam around this week. Afterall, it's been 10 whole days with him. WOW! I guess that's why tonight, when he leaves again for Kansas, it leaves me reflecting on just how grateful I am for him.

He truly is my Love and my everything. Sometimes people have asked me where I got his "pet name" Love from. I tell them it's because it reminds me that he is my one true love. It reminds me that no matter how mad I may get at him, he is the one I chose to be with and love the rest of my life and eternity. It is a reminder of something we do in this family, not just say or feel.

So, my dear Love, know that I am beyond words grateful for you and all you do for our little family. You are my everything and my Love, forever and eternity.

So not a great picture of me and the way I look, but it is the best one that conveys my gratitude for my Love.

Week 6 - A Forever Family

This weekend we spent in California visiting my parents. We had a lot of fun (more on that in a different post).

We decided to take the kids to the LA Temple, where Adam and I were married. We haven't been to that temple since the day we got married, almost 10 years ago. We would get busy and distracted doing other things and, frankly, never went that way to do any of the things we set out to do on the previous visits.

The story of that day, and how much we have grown since that day. We have definitely had our ups and downs and everything in between.

We've been together and we've been apart (more so in the most recent past than at any other point in our marriage), but through it all I've grown even more grateful for MY forever family. Seeing the three little kiddos run around on the grounds of the temple caused me to pause and give thanks, if only in my heart, for the knowledge that I have that I will never be without these little angels of mine, or my dear sweet hubby for that matter.

I am so grateful for my forever family that this week it was such a no brainer. How can I be more grateful for anything else?

Lover's Day

Do you have a lover? I certainly do! I love him to pieces. I love him so much, I even call him "Love".

What is love? Is it an emotion? A verb? A thing? An expression? What does it mean to be "in love"?

This is how wikipedia.com defined love, "Love is the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection."

This is how I define love:

Are you "in love"? WE certainly are!

Week #5 - My Love

I've thoroughly enjoyed this last week. This week seemed so simple, yet it was crazy busy with runnings here, there, and everywhere. My Love worked from home on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. He left for Kansas on Sunday morning.

My Love does whatever he can to make life here at home the best it can be. He is the most wonderful father. He is patient with the kids. My Love has so many wonderful qualities about him that I could go on ad nauseum about him.

He reassures me often that I really am a good mom and, that despite my many shortcomings, I am making a difference in their lives, for the better. My Love is a wonderful provider who is willing to do what it takes to make ends meet and make sure there is food on the table.

I am grateful every hour of everyday for My Love but, this week, I am extra grateful for him. Maybe it has to do with Valentine's Day tomorrow? Regardless, I am grateful for My Love.

The Last of this First

There have been many firsts around our house. First baby, first steps, first teeth, first smiles, first haricuts.

I took Howie today for his first first today. It was his first haircut. I don't like cutting my boys' hair the first time. They lose the "baby look" and, as if it were magic, become little boys in the time it takes to cut their hair.

All of about 10 minutes.

The transformation is stunning. It, for me, is also saddening. I think I was a little more sad with Howie than I was with Owen. Perhaps it's because I know I will never have another first haircut. I know I will never have another little boy (or girl) to take to get their haircut for the first time. I know that, like it or not, I will never have another little baby.

(I love the motivation he's got in his mouth to sit still - he did really well - I have no doubt he would have even without the "motivation" but, let's just call it my "insurance policy")

I lavish in every ounce fo babyhood Howie is still willing to give me these days, which isn't much. Occasionally, he'll still let me rock him to sleep - especially on Sundays during church - but that isn't very often any more. Usually, he just wants to be down and moving, getting into this, that, and the other.

He's growing right before my very eyes, or so it seems. One day he is trying to figure out how to crawl and the next he's off and running down the hall away from me because he thinks it's a game.

Oh sure, there will be all kinds of other firsts for this family in the years to come. First baptism, first teeth lost, first driver's lisence, first heartbreak, first first grade. But, nothing will compare to seeing my littlest baby go from a baby to a little boy in a matter of blinks and a few snips of the hair.

Week #4 - Simple Thoughts

I have had a lot of time lately, in training for the half marathon, to be lost in my own thoughts. Sure, it started out as me wanting to get into better shape. But it has evolved over the last several months and, now, it's not about running or getting into shape. Instead, I find myself longing for the time that I get to run and be lost in my own thoughts. Trying to get outside of my head can sometimes lead me into the darkest corners inside my head.

That can be a scary place to be.

But, as I've been running, thinking, and trying to recall information I've been studying in school, I keep returning to the same simple thought....Heavenly Father knows ME!

He knows me. He knows my fears (and there are many), my weaknesses (still even more), what brings me the most joy, why I do the things I do, why I struggle and what makes me HIS daughter. I may not even understand why I do some of the things I do, but He does.

He allows me to struggle in hopes of me asking Him for help. He allows me to experience the lowest of lows, so that I can appreciate and savor the highest of highs.

This week accompanied many lows and even a few highs. Each new day that starts is a chance for me to have His Spirit with me and to live my life accordingly. I may not get it right on any given day (most often I don't, believe me), but He grants me the same chance day after day after day all in the hopes that I will remember my heritage and that I truly am a daughter of God, who loves me and I Him.

I am grateful for this simple thought that replays itself over and over in my head as I run my miles each day. Many days and often times it is that thought and not my music that keeps me running. How could I not be grateful for that?

Week #3 - All The Support I Need

I ran and ran and ran yesterday. I ran so far, I completed my very first half marathon. Yep, I did London's Run. I am proud to say that I ran the entire way without stopping. Sure, there were times - several times - I wanted to stop and not finish one more step.

But I kept seeing all of those encouraging signs along the route with pictures of kids with terrible cancer diseases and illnesses. I think my most favorite "encouragement" of the day was "Chafe Now. Brag Later." Boy, isn't that the truth!

Just when I didn't think I could carry on one more step, mile marker 10 came along. It was like a pillar of light from Heaven was shining down on it and a chorus of angels were singing "Hallelujah!"

Yippppeeee! It was there at that glorious mile marker that I got my own personal cheering squad. My sister, Jenny, her husband and kids were there volunteering at that water station. Jenny screamed, "Go Janet Go!" several times and even announced...ahem...yelled to the other volunteers there "This is my sister! I'm so proud of her. Go Janet Go!" I needed that at that precise moment.

No, it didn't make the remaining 3 miles any easier to run, but I kept playing her encouragement over and over and over in my head. That and my mother's words of "pick 'em up and put 'em down." Then, and at last, the finish line was in sight. I was so close, I couldn't give up. I wasn't going to!

I scanned the rope line of the onlookers and cheerers of many to see if I could find my own moral support. There they were! With Adam looking like a one-eyed minion from behind the camera lens, Howie in the jogging stroller, Owen and Caroline jumping up and down and screaming (yes, I could still hear them ABOVE the volume in my ears from the iPod) cheering me on, I began to really realize how much love and support I get from my family for every endeavor I take on.

Adam is quiet in his support, but gives it 100% - ALWAYS. He never questions about the time away from the family, but instead carries on with running the household while I'm gone. Whether it's going back to school, running a race, or being a mom, he is the first one to tell me how proud he is of me, what a great job I'm doing, and how I can do whatever I set my mind to. He gives me the time to run or the time to study and only has positive words for me.

Owen and Caroline ask me, each time they see me lace up the shoes or lug the backpack onto my shoulder, if I'm going running or to class. With each answer of yes, they are the first ones to say, "have a good run" or "have fun at class".

Howie willingly, for the most part, climbs into the jogging stroller each Monday and Wednesday morning when the kids have gone to preschool and he sees my running shoes laced up and ready to go. He still cries when the sun gets in his eyes - who wouldn't though, right? - but give that kid a bag of cereal and a sippy cup of milk and he's good to go. I could run a good 6-7 miles with him in the stroller and he's happy to let me push him the entire time.

I started out going to class for me - I had to afterall to completely change career goals. I started out running for me - I had to get back into some sort of shape (other than round) after having those babes of mine close together. I wanted to to teach the kids by example that we need to take care of our bodies, and that means exercising. (At least that is one example I am good for). We don't/won't live a sedatary lifestyle and need to stay active.

In the end, it is them who are the examples for me. I'm slowly but surely learning that while I may be doing all of this for me, I couldn't do any of it without them. It is their sacrifice and their love that give me all the support I need. For that, I'm appreciative and extremely grateful. Thank you My Love, Owen, Caroline & Howie -I love you and the support you give to me.

This is just moments (literally) after I crossed the finish line -which is why I look the way I do.

Week #2 - A Song in My Heart

I haven't liked this week very much. Not at all, as a matter of fact. It's been one of those weeks. No matter what I did or didn't do all of me was never enough or good enough. And, frankly, by the looks of me on most days, the week didn't like me. At all.

I've struggled through one of the hardest and most challenging weeks emotionally I've had in a really long time. Frustration brought on a whole new meaning for me. I haven't felt that frustrated with my kids for that length of time ever. Sure, I've been frustrated by them and even angry with them. But, really, NEVER for 5 days in a row.....all day.....everyday.

I went to chruch begrudgingly today. I had no desire whatsoever to go. While there, I kept thinking I wasn't getting anything out of meeting and really wasn't worth it for me to be there. I sent Adam home with Howie who has been sick. I really wanted to be the one to take Howie home. But somewhere in the bottom of my emotional well, the very one I thought was bone dry, it told me to stay and let Adam take him home. So I did.

Finally, the closing song. I opened the hymn book to Hymn 274 - Iron Rod. I was singing along, not very "into it" but doing it so my kids could see the example. Some example, huh? Then, I got to the third verse.

And when temptation's pow'r is nigh,

Our pathway clouded o'er

Upon the rod we can rely

And heaven's aid implore.

I nearly completely broke down in tears. It took the simplest of words to remind me that my Savior is waiting, begging, pleading for me to come to Him with my heavy heart. He will lighten my load and lighten my heart.

THAT was my reason for going to church today. And, for that, I am grateful. The hymn refilled my well and made it possible for me to carry on for the rest of the day. If I have to replay this song in my mind at the beginning of each new day in order for my well to get refilled. I'm grateful that it can be refilled and that I know where I can go to have it refilled.

Getting a Grip - Or Trying To Anyway

I've been a really crappy mom lately. Really, really, really crappy. I've felt sorry for myself, I've taken my stress, anger, frustration, tears and sadness out on my kids. One to be exact.


Owen.


It's always Owen. I don't quite understand why he gets the brunt of my sorrow or self-loathing or pity parties, where I'm the only one invited. I don't know if it's because I've always expected more out of him, if it's because he is the oldest, or because he is a he.


I really should stop. No really. I'm tired of the guilt that I feel afterwards for doing this. I've been such a crappy mom this week that when things came to a head, it was like Mt. St. Helens had exploded in our house.


Not a pretty sight.


Tonight, while doing one of the most frustrating things for me, Owen turned to me and in between sobs, looked at me and said, "Mom, do you still love me?"


I melted.....with guilt, tears and sorrow. How can I behave so badly that my innocent 5 year old looks at me and asks if I still love him, as if it's his fault that his mother is an emotional mess.

One week in Relief Society the comment was made by a sister after this sister's mom defended her daughter's parenting to yet a third person. This mother wisely told the third person that "she may not be a perfect mother but, she is the perfect mother for those kids."

Really, if I'm the perfect mother for my kids I would not want to see the imperfect mothers. I am hoping that I don't have another week like this past one for a really long time, if ever again. This family can't handle it. I can't handle it. My emotions can't handle it. My mental stability can't handle it.