Week 6 - A Forever Family

This weekend we spent in California visiting my parents. We had a lot of fun (more on that in a different post).

We decided to take the kids to the LA Temple, where Adam and I were married. We haven't been to that temple since the day we got married, almost 10 years ago. We would get busy and distracted doing other things and, frankly, never went that way to do any of the things we set out to do on the previous visits.

The story of that day, and how much we have grown since that day. We have definitely had our ups and downs and everything in between.

We've been together and we've been apart (more so in the most recent past than at any other point in our marriage), but through it all I've grown even more grateful for MY forever family. Seeing the three little kiddos run around on the grounds of the temple caused me to pause and give thanks, if only in my heart, for the knowledge that I have that I will never be without these little angels of mine, or my dear sweet hubby for that matter.

I am so grateful for my forever family that this week it was such a no brainer. How can I be more grateful for anything else?

Lover's Day

Do you have a lover? I certainly do! I love him to pieces. I love him so much, I even call him "Love".

What is love? Is it an emotion? A verb? A thing? An expression? What does it mean to be "in love"?

This is how wikipedia.com defined love, "Love is the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection."

This is how I define love:

Are you "in love"? WE certainly are!

Week #5 - My Love

I've thoroughly enjoyed this last week. This week seemed so simple, yet it was crazy busy with runnings here, there, and everywhere. My Love worked from home on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. He left for Kansas on Sunday morning.

My Love does whatever he can to make life here at home the best it can be. He is the most wonderful father. He is patient with the kids. My Love has so many wonderful qualities about him that I could go on ad nauseum about him.

He reassures me often that I really am a good mom and, that despite my many shortcomings, I am making a difference in their lives, for the better. My Love is a wonderful provider who is willing to do what it takes to make ends meet and make sure there is food on the table.

I am grateful every hour of everyday for My Love but, this week, I am extra grateful for him. Maybe it has to do with Valentine's Day tomorrow? Regardless, I am grateful for My Love.

The Last of this First

There have been many firsts around our house. First baby, first steps, first teeth, first smiles, first haricuts.

I took Howie today for his first first today. It was his first haircut. I don't like cutting my boys' hair the first time. They lose the "baby look" and, as if it were magic, become little boys in the time it takes to cut their hair.

All of about 10 minutes.

The transformation is stunning. It, for me, is also saddening. I think I was a little more sad with Howie than I was with Owen. Perhaps it's because I know I will never have another first haircut. I know I will never have another little boy (or girl) to take to get their haircut for the first time. I know that, like it or not, I will never have another little baby.

(I love the motivation he's got in his mouth to sit still - he did really well - I have no doubt he would have even without the "motivation" but, let's just call it my "insurance policy")

I lavish in every ounce fo babyhood Howie is still willing to give me these days, which isn't much. Occasionally, he'll still let me rock him to sleep - especially on Sundays during church - but that isn't very often any more. Usually, he just wants to be down and moving, getting into this, that, and the other.

He's growing right before my very eyes, or so it seems. One day he is trying to figure out how to crawl and the next he's off and running down the hall away from me because he thinks it's a game.

Oh sure, there will be all kinds of other firsts for this family in the years to come. First baptism, first teeth lost, first driver's lisence, first heartbreak, first first grade. But, nothing will compare to seeing my littlest baby go from a baby to a little boy in a matter of blinks and a few snips of the hair.

Week #4 - Simple Thoughts

I have had a lot of time lately, in training for the half marathon, to be lost in my own thoughts. Sure, it started out as me wanting to get into better shape. But it has evolved over the last several months and, now, it's not about running or getting into shape. Instead, I find myself longing for the time that I get to run and be lost in my own thoughts. Trying to get outside of my head can sometimes lead me into the darkest corners inside my head.

That can be a scary place to be.

But, as I've been running, thinking, and trying to recall information I've been studying in school, I keep returning to the same simple thought....Heavenly Father knows ME!

He knows me. He knows my fears (and there are many), my weaknesses (still even more), what brings me the most joy, why I do the things I do, why I struggle and what makes me HIS daughter. I may not even understand why I do some of the things I do, but He does.

He allows me to struggle in hopes of me asking Him for help. He allows me to experience the lowest of lows, so that I can appreciate and savor the highest of highs.

This week accompanied many lows and even a few highs. Each new day that starts is a chance for me to have His Spirit with me and to live my life accordingly. I may not get it right on any given day (most often I don't, believe me), but He grants me the same chance day after day after day all in the hopes that I will remember my heritage and that I truly am a daughter of God, who loves me and I Him.

I am grateful for this simple thought that replays itself over and over in my head as I run my miles each day. Many days and often times it is that thought and not my music that keeps me running. How could I not be grateful for that?

Week #3 - All The Support I Need

I ran and ran and ran yesterday. I ran so far, I completed my very first half marathon. Yep, I did London's Run. I am proud to say that I ran the entire way without stopping. Sure, there were times - several times - I wanted to stop and not finish one more step.

But I kept seeing all of those encouraging signs along the route with pictures of kids with terrible cancer diseases and illnesses. I think my most favorite "encouragement" of the day was "Chafe Now. Brag Later." Boy, isn't that the truth!

Just when I didn't think I could carry on one more step, mile marker 10 came along. It was like a pillar of light from Heaven was shining down on it and a chorus of angels were singing "Hallelujah!"

Yippppeeee! It was there at that glorious mile marker that I got my own personal cheering squad. My sister, Jenny, her husband and kids were there volunteering at that water station. Jenny screamed, "Go Janet Go!" several times and even announced...ahem...yelled to the other volunteers there "This is my sister! I'm so proud of her. Go Janet Go!" I needed that at that precise moment.

No, it didn't make the remaining 3 miles any easier to run, but I kept playing her encouragement over and over and over in my head. That and my mother's words of "pick 'em up and put 'em down." Then, and at last, the finish line was in sight. I was so close, I couldn't give up. I wasn't going to!

I scanned the rope line of the onlookers and cheerers of many to see if I could find my own moral support. There they were! With Adam looking like a one-eyed minion from behind the camera lens, Howie in the jogging stroller, Owen and Caroline jumping up and down and screaming (yes, I could still hear them ABOVE the volume in my ears from the iPod) cheering me on, I began to really realize how much love and support I get from my family for every endeavor I take on.

Adam is quiet in his support, but gives it 100% - ALWAYS. He never questions about the time away from the family, but instead carries on with running the household while I'm gone. Whether it's going back to school, running a race, or being a mom, he is the first one to tell me how proud he is of me, what a great job I'm doing, and how I can do whatever I set my mind to. He gives me the time to run or the time to study and only has positive words for me.

Owen and Caroline ask me, each time they see me lace up the shoes or lug the backpack onto my shoulder, if I'm going running or to class. With each answer of yes, they are the first ones to say, "have a good run" or "have fun at class".

Howie willingly, for the most part, climbs into the jogging stroller each Monday and Wednesday morning when the kids have gone to preschool and he sees my running shoes laced up and ready to go. He still cries when the sun gets in his eyes - who wouldn't though, right? - but give that kid a bag of cereal and a sippy cup of milk and he's good to go. I could run a good 6-7 miles with him in the stroller and he's happy to let me push him the entire time.

I started out going to class for me - I had to afterall to completely change career goals. I started out running for me - I had to get back into some sort of shape (other than round) after having those babes of mine close together. I wanted to to teach the kids by example that we need to take care of our bodies, and that means exercising. (At least that is one example I am good for). We don't/won't live a sedatary lifestyle and need to stay active.

In the end, it is them who are the examples for me. I'm slowly but surely learning that while I may be doing all of this for me, I couldn't do any of it without them. It is their sacrifice and their love that give me all the support I need. For that, I'm appreciative and extremely grateful. Thank you My Love, Owen, Caroline & Howie -I love you and the support you give to me.

This is just moments (literally) after I crossed the finish line -which is why I look the way I do.

Week #2 - A Song in My Heart

I haven't liked this week very much. Not at all, as a matter of fact. It's been one of those weeks. No matter what I did or didn't do all of me was never enough or good enough. And, frankly, by the looks of me on most days, the week didn't like me. At all.

I've struggled through one of the hardest and most challenging weeks emotionally I've had in a really long time. Frustration brought on a whole new meaning for me. I haven't felt that frustrated with my kids for that length of time ever. Sure, I've been frustrated by them and even angry with them. But, really, NEVER for 5 days in a row.....all day.....everyday.

I went to chruch begrudgingly today. I had no desire whatsoever to go. While there, I kept thinking I wasn't getting anything out of meeting and really wasn't worth it for me to be there. I sent Adam home with Howie who has been sick. I really wanted to be the one to take Howie home. But somewhere in the bottom of my emotional well, the very one I thought was bone dry, it told me to stay and let Adam take him home. So I did.

Finally, the closing song. I opened the hymn book to Hymn 274 - Iron Rod. I was singing along, not very "into it" but doing it so my kids could see the example. Some example, huh? Then, I got to the third verse.

And when temptation's pow'r is nigh,

Our pathway clouded o'er

Upon the rod we can rely

And heaven's aid implore.

I nearly completely broke down in tears. It took the simplest of words to remind me that my Savior is waiting, begging, pleading for me to come to Him with my heavy heart. He will lighten my load and lighten my heart.

THAT was my reason for going to church today. And, for that, I am grateful. The hymn refilled my well and made it possible for me to carry on for the rest of the day. If I have to replay this song in my mind at the beginning of each new day in order for my well to get refilled. I'm grateful that it can be refilled and that I know where I can go to have it refilled.

Getting a Grip - Or Trying To Anyway

I've been a really crappy mom lately. Really, really, really crappy. I've felt sorry for myself, I've taken my stress, anger, frustration, tears and sadness out on my kids. One to be exact.


Owen.


It's always Owen. I don't quite understand why he gets the brunt of my sorrow or self-loathing or pity parties, where I'm the only one invited. I don't know if it's because I've always expected more out of him, if it's because he is the oldest, or because he is a he.


I really should stop. No really. I'm tired of the guilt that I feel afterwards for doing this. I've been such a crappy mom this week that when things came to a head, it was like Mt. St. Helens had exploded in our house.


Not a pretty sight.


Tonight, while doing one of the most frustrating things for me, Owen turned to me and in between sobs, looked at me and said, "Mom, do you still love me?"


I melted.....with guilt, tears and sorrow. How can I behave so badly that my innocent 5 year old looks at me and asks if I still love him, as if it's his fault that his mother is an emotional mess.

One week in Relief Society the comment was made by a sister after this sister's mom defended her daughter's parenting to yet a third person. This mother wisely told the third person that "she may not be a perfect mother but, she is the perfect mother for those kids."

Really, if I'm the perfect mother for my kids I would not want to see the imperfect mothers. I am hoping that I don't have another week like this past one for a really long time, if ever again. This family can't handle it. I can't handle it. My emotions can't handle it. My mental stability can't handle it.

A Few Weeks Late & Week #1

I may be a few weeks late or behind in this project, but I think I'm ready for the challenge of this new project which will also help me with my own personal recommitment project.

So, let this week by my week #1 and we'll count my 52 weeks from this point forward. This week is easy. I am grateful for this little boy who makes my days full of help and sunshine. Sometimes the help really isn't "help", but he is an absolute joy to have in my life and our family!

Dexter's Laboratory

I've created my own "Dexter's Laboratory" in my kitchen. It's all in the name of education - MY education. I'm taking a Chemistry class online, so as to eliminate the extra time on campus for this class. Besides, I have the greatest Chemistry tutor I know, my brother, Scott. He's ultra patient and kind and explains things to the "enth" degree to make sure I understand what is happening.

I do the classroom portion online and then do the labs in my kitchen and write it up. I submit everything by e-mail. The professor grades my work and sends back the e-mail with my grade. I don't think I would recommend taking Chemistry online if one doesn't have access to such a great tutor. In fact, even with this access, at one point in time I was registered to take the class on campus but then, well this happened and I dropped the class. In hindsight, I should have stuck it out and just taken and finished the class. I think things would have been so much better if only. But, things are plugging along and I'm doing well in school, this time around.

I have only 1 more class to take in the fall of this year, Microbiology 205, and then I will be waiting to get "the call" or "the letter" telling me when I start the nursing program. I hope I won't have to wait too long since the waiting period is anywhere between 24 and 30 months. But, if I do, then I do. Everything will happen for a reason. If I get in before then, great. Otherwise, I'll enjoy the time I have with my little chicks and watch them grow before my very eyes knowing that they won't be this small ever again.

In the meantime, I continue on in my laboratory and continue to study like mad, stay up way too late all in an effort of getting another education.

Owen Turns 5!

Happy birthday to the best, not so little, 5 years old boy that I know....my "baby" Owen. Holy moly I can't believe he's 5 already. I remember being pregnant with him and how miserable I was for the first 20 weeks of that pregnancy. Then, I remember being induced and things not going to MY plan and ending with a c-section, the first of three.

Truly though, he has been such a joy to our family. He's like our family "policeman" and keeps the other two kids right in line with the goings on around here. Sometimes he gets a little too carried away and tries to scold the other two kids for their wrong doings. But, he is the very first person to help me when I need it, with whatever I need help with at the moment. He's the first reason I became a mom and will always hold a very special place in my heart. All of my children will, but there's something special about a firstborn that never really goes away.

I decided this year instead of "doing" a party I was going to "take" him to a party. He chose 5 of his friends and we took them to see the movie Yogi Bear. It was the perfect party for our family. We bought the tickets, popcorn, drinks, the whole shootin' match, but had NONE of the clean-up. The theater employees had that responsibility. We came back to our house had cupcakes and opened presents and by that time, it was time for the parents to come get their kids. It worked perfectly and I will be all too HAPPY to do that again.

Happy birthday, Owen. We love you and are so grateful and happy to have you in our family!!!

Recommitment

It's been a while, it's true, since I've last blogged. Several months as a matter of fact. In that time there's been Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, quizzes, exams, finals, study sessions, picking up kids and dropping them off at school, breaking up fights between the kids, a ton of kisses and hugs, family dinners and priceless moments that will forever be in my heart.

But, it's a new year and I've decided to recommit myself to keeping my blog more up-to-date than I have most recently.

There are some new adventures for us this year, namely Adam will be traveling about 60% of the time for his job. It's not going anywhere exciting, necessarily, he's going to Olathe, Kansas. This will leave me home with the three kids by myself from Sunday night to late Thursday night. It's going to be tough and I'm sure I'm not going to like it some times that he is leaving. And, others, I'm sure I'm going to be wishing it was ME who was leaving for a few days to get some time to myself. Although, I do know that as much as I hate having him away from our family, he hates being away, too. That is what keeps us going from the time he leaves 'til the time he gets back.

This coming week I start back to school - I haven't really left school as I am still in school, just doing my Chemistry class online rather than on campus. The second half of Anatomy & Physiology is what I will be going to campus for twice a week at night. I am really, really, really looking forward to this class. I thoroughly enjoyed the first half, and can hardly wait for the second half.

Owen and Caroline are both doing well in preschool. Owen and I will start his reading lessons this week, too. Caroline is doing well learning her numbers, we are working on 1-10, and she knows her letters already. Howie, well he just cracks me up almost everyday, several times a day. He's such a little stinker! I've found that kid on top of the desk, the kitchen table, and my bed. He's learned where I keep my highlighters for class and has used them on everything from the kitchen table chairs, the screen on my laptop and the porcelain kitchen tile. Lovely, I know. He's just at that age that curiosity is truly getting the best of him.

I can't and won't guarantee a post everyday or even every other day. But, I will recommit myself to post a weekly post of the happenings on Penrose Dr.